After a 2-day/3-night trip to the capital Vermont, allow me to recount some astounding findings.
1. The definition of city is arbitrary. Though Glastonbury is clearly larger than Montpelier, Glastonbury is deemed a "town" whereas Montpelier is a "city." What does Mr. Webster say about this?
City : an inhabited place of greater size, population, or importance than a town or village.
Size: Glastonbury has an area of 52.5 square miles, whereas Montpelier encompasses 10.3 square miles.
Population: Glastonbury is home to 33,000+. The "city" of Montpelier, however, has just over 8,000.
Because the definition fails on the first two accounts, one must assume that Montpelier be more important than Glastonbury. After considering the fact that Montpelier is the only state capital without a McDonalds, whereas Glastonbury prides a centrally-located restaurant complete with playground and weekly auto shows, it is only self-evident that Montpelier cannot possibly be more important than Glastonbury. No "city" devoid of the heaven-sent snack wrap can truly be considered more important than one that was graced with its presence.
2. Montpelier lends itself well to Africa jokes. Take, for example, the following conversation.
Megan Don: "This place is so cute! I just want to adopt a street or two."
Myself: "We make it sound like it's Africa."
Do keep in mind that this conversation arose just hours after Andrew proposed a solution to the "Africa problem." His solution? All modernized countries should colonize it.
3. Montpelier lends itself well to pretty much any ethnic/racial joke. Take, for example, the following conversation.
Hannah Dee: "My high school was pretty diverse. It was 45% Asian, 40% White, and 15% other."
Andrew: "Yeah, we didn't have any asians."
Andrew's Mom: "Yes, we did."
Andrew: "Name me five asians you know."
Andrew's Mom: "I can think of four."
Andrew: "Adopted kids don't count."
Andrew's Mom: "They were all adopted."
4. Real Vermonters don't ski, or so Andrew claims. The sport, according to the expert, is "touristy," drawing in rich folk from neighboring states. This is evidenced by Andrew's stellar ski skills, i.e. his near death experience when he collided with a ski lift. He later assumes an altruistic role in the event, claiming to have pushed Megan Don out of the way so she would not be hit. In reality, he simply skied into her, knocking her over, and in a spirit of divine retribution, the ski lift hit him back.
**Pictured above: What did not, but should have, happened.
5. After rave reviews for Paranormal Activity, Andrew and I decided to rent the movie. Albeit suspenseful, the movie did not amaze us. It may have, if we had kept our eyes open the whole time, but alas, we were too scared. Much of the suspense was centered on strange noises in the house, not unlike those made by Andrew's house. Although he insisted that they resulted from "the constant change in temperature," we know the truth: an angsty demon pines after Andrew, hoping to possess his body and brutally murder his lover.
6. At Blockbuster, while choosing a movie to counterbalance the aforementioned horror flick, Andrew denied "Star Trek" and "Ugly Truth" in favor of "The Proposal" as a compromise. (What kind of compromise is this? Either he doesn't understand the meaning of the word (see Finding #1 or #8) or he doesn't understand what the Proposal is about. When Megan, Hannah, and I tried to illustrate the likelihood of the Proposal being a chick-flick, based on the title, inclusion of a male & female on the cover, and the fact that Megan has already seen it, Andrew confidently affirmed that "The Proposal" was, in fact, not a chick-flick.) Oh, the irony.
7. We got onto the snow report video at Sugarbush!!
Here's the link for the January 6th update!
http://www.sugarbush.com/snow-trails-conditions/live-mountain-update
8. Vermont early = Vermont late. Continuing on the theme of misused words, Andrew tried to explain to us that we would not be late to the ski resort on account of the phenomenon that Vermonters are always early. Because Andrew is perpetually late, I asked why this has not presented itself at any single point in the history of our friendship. "I take advantage of not having to be on time for things," he explained. When we were late to the ski resort on both occasions and nearly missed dinner at the delicious crepe place, Andrew admitted that perhaps his Vermont early theory was more like Vermont late. Defeat admitted.
As I conclude this article on my findings of the most unique state in the Union, I must admit that Montpelier is a rather cute place. Its coffee shop (Capitol Grounds) contains a witty pun and great muffins, its people are really friendly, and its nearby skiing was possibly the best I've ever experienced. Despite its oddities, I must admit Montpelier is pretty cool. No pun intended.
-Earl
